Time
by Pawprinter
Summary: It's been five years since Praimfaya. They were supposed to return on this day. They were supposed to be Wonkru. In reality, it didn't work out this way. They didn't return. All Clarke feels is betrayal. ["Bellamy!" she cried. "You abandoned us!" She couldn't take it anymore. The feelings that tore her apart. "Bellamy!" She sobbed again. "Bellamy, I loved you!"]


**This is set during the time jump from season 4, episode 13. It has been five years after Clarke got left on Earth and the others returned to space.**

 **Rating: this story is rated T for swearing and for alcohol use. Wasn't too sure if that should be rated higher, but I decided to base off the fact the show is TV-14 and has these themes in it.**

 **Enjoy.**

* * *

 **Time**

* * *

"Damn it," Clarke swore. She took another heavy sip of the piercing liquid that sloshed in the clouded bottle. She leaned against the rusted rover, her young Nightblood already asleep.

Today was supposed to be the day.

Another sip.

She felt her bottom lip tremble.

Another sip.

"Damn you, Bellamy," she grumbled. Clarke was already out of it, but not as much as she wanted to be. She didn't want to be able to think. She didn't want to remember.

It was too painful.

She didn't want to feel the pain. Not tonight. This night was supposed to be of reunions – of happiness. Not this.

It had been five years. Five years since Praimfaya.

It had been five years since she last seen them.

Since she last seen _him_.

Clarke took another sip, holding back the tears that threatened to fall from her eyes. She could feel them burning, waiting for her to blink for them to fall over the edges of her eyelids.

She refused to cry.

She would not cry.

Before taking another sip, she looked down at the bottle.

Pathetic.

She had allowed Madi to let her imagination run wild, and a family portrait was born. She may not have been her biological child, but she was no less her daughter. Madi had a talent for drawing, just like Clarke. Like mother, like daughter.

The bottle had paper glued around the circumference, tiny sketches across.

Emori and Murphy stood together, holding hands. At least Madi's interpretation of how they looked like – she never met them nor seen pictures of them. Emori was easy to recognize because of her markings on her face, so it was easy to tell it was Murphy clutching her hand.

Beside Emori, Echo stood tall. Madi had a sense of hope in her that refused to draw Echo with a frown like Clarke had only seen her with. Instead, a small smile peppered her face.

Harper and Monty stood together, his arms wrapped around her shoulders lovingly. Protectively. It was clear from the picture that they were so in love. And happy. Clarke was glad – she wasn't sure if Madi would ever draw Monty happy after hearing about Jasper.

Raven was next, her classic red jacket wrapped around her shoulders. Her hair was up, like always, and her leg in a brace. Her face held her personality perfectly – strong and gentle.

And, finally, Bellamy. It hurt Clarke to even look at the drawing of him. His jaw was strong, his arms crossed and muscled. His hair was a curly mess, just like it was on Earth. Clarke remembered that he came down to Earth with it gelled, but she couldn't bring herself to think of Bellamy as anything different than _her_ Bellamy – the man who wouldn't let her pull the lever in Mount Weather alone. _That_ Bellamy – her Bellamy – came with curly hair, no exceptions.

 _Welcome home_ was scrawled on the top of the bottle, written once in English and a second time in Grounder. Their names were written along the bottom of the paper, each written so carefully. Madi had taken a lot of time and put a lot of thought into her project. She said that it was because she was meeting her family for the first time.

Clarke's hand tightened around the bottle, rage boiling up inside of her. She took a final sip, draining the bottle of its contents.

"Welcome home," she laughed sarcastically. "What a joke." Her heart hurt for herself and for her daughter. Her daughter was so nervous and excited, but now she was crushed. The same could be said about herself.

She held the bottle in her hands, letting her head fall back against the bumper of the rover. Her eyes were closed as she tried to contain her emotions.

All she could see was them, when she closed her eyes. Not only did she see the people – her people – trapped in the bunker, but saw her people on the Ark. She saw him.

Bellamy.

He was supposed to back today.

They were supposed to reunite today.

It had been five years.

Five _stupid_ years.

Five years of being alone on Earth. Five years of pain and suffering. Five years of fighting for survival.

Five _stupid_ years.

They were supposed to be together again today.

Yet, here she was. Attempting to drown herself and her sorrows in the toxic liquid.

The day had started off fine. Better than fine, actually. It started out perfect. Madi was excited, they breezed through lessons. They gathered some fresh food, preparing a meal for the nine of them. Madi had dreamed of this moment – of meeting her family.

Clarke took a deep breath.

Hell, who was she kidding. It wasn't just her daughter that was excited for the space crew to return. She was excited for it. She had dreamed of it. She had been counting down the days.

"Damn it!" Clarke screamed, her frustrations bubbling up. Why had she let herself get set up for failure? Why had she let Madi get let down?

Clarke picked the bottle of alcohol that was supposed to be used in the welcome home celebration and swung it at the nearest tree. It hit the bark and shattered. She jumped up from the ground, her teeth clenched.

 _Fuck them._

She picked up a rock from the ground and threw it with all of her might into the great abyss before her. She snatched another rock and chucked it with a scream.

She was so angry. Beyond angry. She was furious.

How could they leave her here? They promised they would be back in five years. Why weren't they back?

Did they think she was dead?

She hoped that they didn't think she was dead. She prayed to whatever gods out there that Bellamy wasn't torturing himself over the fact they left her behind. She hoped he wasn't thinking that they left her behind to die, alone. She had those thoughts before. They were like a poisonous liquid in your veins; it would snake into every crack of your being and change who you were. She hoped Bellamy wasn't torturing himself.

Why didn't they come back? It was ridiculous, but she felt betrayed. She felt betrayed by the people she felt the closest to.

Why didn't they return?

Her anger slowly started melting away, being replaced by a pit of despair. It felt like it was swallowing her whole. It was the type of sadness that left her hollow in the middle and cold on the outside.

She wrapped her arms around her sides, trying to keep herself from falling apart. Sobs rocked her body as she collapsed to the ground. Her shoulders shook and her throat felt raw from her screams. Tears streamed down her face, bringing the taste of salt to her tongue. Her vision swam and her heart raced.

God, she was a mess.

Fuck them.

This time, her heart broke with those words.

More like fuck her. Fuck Earth.

She let out another pitiful scream before swiping as many tears away from her eyes. She glanced up to the sky, seeing a small light floating high above the ground.

The Ark.

A new batch of tears rose to her eyes. It was torture. She could see her friends, but she had no way of talking to them. She had no way of communicating with them. It was the classic feeling of being so close but yet so far.

Clarke glanced to the pile of junk sitting a few feet away from her.

Her radio.

Clearly, it did not work very well. She had not been able to make contact with the Ark nor the bunker.

Useful. Very useful.

What good was a radio that could transmit but could not receive? Hell, did she even know her signal was sending?

No.

But, did that stop her?

No.

Every day, she would radio Bellamy and talk. Thank god for Bellamy Blake. He saved her once again – he kept her sane. Funny, because she had no clue if he was listening to her – she didn't know if he was even alive.

Actually, that wasn't very funny at all.

She missed him. Her heart _ached_ for him. For his freckled skin. His tangled black hair. His deep voice. His honey scent. His warm hugs. His perfect lips.

 _Fuck._

Clarke reached for the radio and lifted it to her lips. She pressed the button to talk, but she had no idea what to say.

"Hey, Bellamy. Everyone." Clarke released the button and let out a low chuckle. "I'm still here! I'm still alive!" All that she heard back was white noise. She leaned back against the rover, her eyes falling shut. "Goddamn, where are you guys?" she mumbled. "It's been five years to the day. Five years. You promised." She could feel herself getting hysterical again. " _You promised!"_

She releases the button and lets out a few sobs. Her heart hurt. Why did it hurt this much? Why did her body feel like it was dumped in acid? God, everything hurt. She sniffed and determinedly wiped away her tears.

"Huh, well, let me tell you about my day, huh, Bell?" she said. "I was woken up by Madi, she was too excited to sleep. We've been waiting for you all to come down. She knows everything about you guys." Clarke shook her head. "She views you as her aunts and uncles. Her family." She paused and peered behind the rover. When she was satisfied that she was still asleep, she continued. "You're her only family that she has left to hope for."

"She's only ten. Actually, 'only' isn't the proper word. It's 'already.' I don't know where the time went. Four years ago was when we first met. She was six. Imagine that – a little six-year-old, out in the world, fighting for her survival. Thank goodness I met her. She would've died." Clarke rolled her eyes. "More like _thank goodness she found me. Without her, I would've died_." Her heart hurt from the betrayal of her friends and from the affection she felt towards her daughter. "She saved me, Bellamy. She gave me a reason to get up in the mornings and gave me a reason to hope for my future. My future became her future as well. Being a parent saved me from falling into the depression that threatened to overwhelm me."

Clarke laughed and shifted her position.

"Look at me. I'm getting all sappy, just by telling you about my day," she muttered. "Anyways, after Madi and I woke up, we did some work with the guns. She was too eager and I was too excited to actually do anything, so we gave up on trying to do our lessons. We gathered our food we have been collecting, we prepared a meal." Clarke glanced over at the food, still sitting out, waiting for people that would never come. "And… we waited. For hours. All day. We waited until the sun set for a ship to appear from the sky." She laughed. "What a joke. I sent Madi to bed when I realized you weren't coming. She cried herself to sleep. I couldn't comfort her because I was crying to myself as well." Clarke wiped a stay tear from her eye. "I didn't know what to say to her to make it okay. Because, honestly, I don't think anything could make this okay. You left us."

"Thanks for letting me explain to my daughter why you never came back. Thanks for showing my daughter disappointment. That was something I always wanted to protect Madi from, but… I guess this is real life." She let out a few more sobs, not bothering to release the button.

"Bellamy," she cried. "Bellamy, why? _Why?_ " Clarke continued to sob. "You abandoned us!" Clarke released the button and wrapped her arms around herself, allowing her to sob silently. She was so distraught that she could barely breathe. She couldn't take it anymore. The feelings that tore her apart. The fear and the anger. The despair. The guilt. The regret.

"Bellamy!" Clarke sobbed. His name passed from her lips several times, over and over. There was a rhythm there that brought a steady calm to her. The pain she felt by speaking his name. The pain she felt by the lack of his presence. " _Bellamy!_ " She sobbed again. _"Bellamy_!" Her voice echoed around the woods. "Bellamy, I loved you!" At this point, she didn't even know what she was speaking. Words were just tumbling out of her mouth. "I loved you, Bellamy! I freaking _loved you._ I still do!" She somehow managed to speak these full sentences between sobs. "I love you, Bellamy Blake. I love you. I always have." More sobs. "Why didn't I tell you when I had the opportunity? Why didn't I just say it? What was I so afraid of?" She couldn't contain herself. It felt like her heart was exploding. " _Bellamy_! _Bellamy_!" His name was no longer just his name. It was a clear path from Clarke's heart to the open air. It was a passageway for her heartbreak and pain. His name channeled all of her hurt.

"I wish I had more time – more time to fix the satellite, more time on the beach, more time on Earth, more time without war, more time without pain. I wish _we_ had more time." Her heart was racing. "Bellamy Blake, I loved you. You were apart of me. You were always there. Always." She sniffed, wiping away tears. She closed her eyes, recalling their times together. "Our hate at the start turned into an alliance, which turned into a friendship, which I wished turned into something more. All of the times that you saved me. All of the times you wouldn't let me do the hard thing on my own. All of the times you were there for me." Clarke rubbed her forehead tiredly. When did she even begin falling in love with this man?

"Atom," she said out loud. Sure there had been other men and women that she had loved between then and now, but she always had that connection with him. "It was when I saw that you couldn't kill your friend, even when it was out of mercy. That's when I realized there was so much more to you than what meets the eye." Funny. That seemed like such a daunting period of her life at the time, but now it seemed like a simple time. "I wish we could go back. I wish I could turn back time. Spend more time with everyone. Tell you that I loved you. Hurried with the satellite. I want more time."

"Do you ever think about what our lives would be like if you never went to get help Murphy with Monty? Do you ever think about if we went to the satellite together, like we planned? We would be together on Earth. We would still be together. I would still have you. I wouldn't be so alone."

Clarke hated herself the moment the words passed through her lips.

"I'm such an idiot," she chuckled. She said these words, but still, the image would not move from her head. An older Bellamy, holding her while they gazed up at the fiery earth from the rover. She could almost hear Madi calling herself mom and Bellamy dad. She wanted that world so bad, the world where it was Bellamy, her and Madi – together – against the world. "Why am I so horrible? What am I even saying? I am not alone. Madi. My daughter. She's the one here, saving me. Sure, I can be lonely, but I am most definitely not alone." Clarke laughed again. Just like she could see a happy future with her little family, she wasn't stupid. She could also see the blisters and the burns from the radiation – nothing to protect Bellamy. She could see him dying. "I might miss you. I might torture myself when I think about everyone together, without me, and you moving on, but I would never wish for you to experience Praimfaya on Earth with me. I would never wish for your death. Because that is what it would be. You, dying. You aren't like me. I wish you were like me." If Bellamy was Nightblood, she wouldn't have been alone that first year. If he was with her, she wouldn't have entertained the thoughts of him moving on. She wouldn't have to imagine Bellamy having a family with someone else – loving someone else.

"That's actually my biggest fear," she admitted. "Everyone growing closer, while I'm floating away. Selfish, I know. It kills me to think about you guys moving on without me. It kills me to think about _you_ moving on without me." Her thoughts were starting to become messier as the alcohol travelled through her system. "Let's be honest, would I even belong with you guys when you do come down? Will I belong to the bunker clan when they dig their way out? Will I ever belong with anyone now?" Clarke glanced back to where Madi was sleeping. "Will _we_ ever belong anywhere, other than with each other?"

"Five years is a long time. It's a long time for people to grow and change. Will I even know you when we meet again? Hell, Murphy and Emori might not be together any more. Harper and Monty might have children. _You_ might have children." Her heart broke with those words. But, then again, she also had a child. "Anything could have happened since I last seen you. Will we even belong together when we meet again?" She took a pause, chewing on her thoughts. " _If_ we even meet again." Clarke released the radio, her thoughts continuing to swim in her mind.

"Have you forgotten about me? Have all of you forgotten about me? Is that why you didn't come down? That's another thing I'm scared of. Being forgotten." Clarke sighed. "Or, maybe you guys just think that I am dead. Not worth it to come down to Earth to check if I am alive." Another pause. "Good plan. Probably you, Bellamy, using your head, just like I told you. It's something I would do. If you know you can survive on the Ark – if you know you can live a good and long life up there – why come down? I'm not worth it to risk your lives. Hell, for all you know, I am dead. It would be too big of a risk for you guys to give up everything to see if I'm alive." Clarke chuckled dryly. "Now I know how Octavia must have felt when I stole the bunker. Betrayed."

Clarke put down the radio and rested her head in her lap. Her head was spinning. It was so full of thoughts, her heart so full of emotions.

Still, she couldn't get over her fantasy of being trapped down on Earth with Bellamy. Her mind would not let that go. She could imagine them surviving together. Raising Madi together. Having children. Watching them grow up.

She could almost feel his strong arms around her, keeping out the cold on the radiation soaked planet. His soft skin grazing against hers. His lips brushing against the tip of her ear, whispering sweet nothings to her.

Clarke imagined them falling asleep together, wrapped in multiple layers of blankets to keep the heat in and the cold out. She could imagine them telling stories to each other late into the night – both of their past and from Greek Mythology that Bellamy was so fond of. She could feel his lips on hers, crashing onto them, over and over.

She _wanted_ him with her, so badly. She wanted to be with him.

She missed him. She missed the man she loved.

"Momma?" A soft voice called from behind the rover. Clarke jumped, startled out of her thoughts. She turned to face her sleepy daughter. "You're still up? It's so late."

Clarke climbed up from the ground quickly, wiping away her tears. Her eyes may still be bloodshot and her heart may still hurt, but she had more important things to deal with than her pain.

Her daughter.

"I'm just headed to bed now. Come here." Clarke opened her arms and Madi ran into her warm embrace. "Did I wake you?" She nodded. Clarke pressed a soft kiss to her head. "Sorry, my darling. Let's head to bed."

"Wait!" Madi pulled out of Clarke's grasp and snatched the discarded radio from the ground. "Goodnight, Ark Station!" Clarke smiled pained. Madi was too pure. She had too much hope. "Do you think anybody is listening?"

"I don't know. What do you think?" Madi pondered her answer for a bit.

"I have hope. You taught me that. You will meet again, momma." Clarke opened her arms again and Madi released the radio to run into her arms.

"Let's head to sleep."

As Clarke held her daughter, all she could feel was sorrow. She felt the loss of her friends, almost as if it was five years ago. The pain was so fresh.

She hoped Madi was right. She hoped someone was listening. She hoped they would meet again.

* * *

Bellamy clutched the radio in his hands, tears streaming down his face. _His heart never hurt so much._ Listening to Clarke lose faith and hope, listening to her fears, it was enough to drive him mad.

 _"_ _Goodnight, Ark Station!"_

"Goodnight," he muttered into the radio. He waited to hear back from their radio, but nothing returned. "Clarke?" Nothing. " _Clarke_?" Nothing.

Finally, he broke.

"I love you, too, Clarke. Fuck. _I want more time, too_."

Still, nothing returned to him.

" _Fuck_ ," he snarled. He threw the radio across the room. What good was a radio that could receive but couldn't transmit? He rubbed his hands tiredly over his eyes.

He felt the pain. He missed Clarke so much. He had his regrets. He had his guilt.

If only they had more time.

* * *

 **A/N:**

 **Just a quick note:** **I hope that this story shows Clarke's dedication to Madi. I am looking forward to season five, as their relationship will be a large part of it. I hope that I got across that Clarke is no longer the person she used to be. She is now a parent and will always have Madi's interests at heart, as a main priority. Hope that explains some of Clarke's actions and lines in this story.**

 **Hope you enjoyed! Please leave a review to let me know your thoughts. I accept signed and anonymous reviews. I read every single one! I also try to respond to all signed/member reviews.**

 **Thanks for reading,**

 **Paw**

 _Follow me on Twitter (Pawprinter1) - I post updates on my writing and news about "The 100" fandom!_


End file.
